Kids go through phases of development with everything- motor skills, academic skills, social skills and it is the same for the development of emotional regulation!
A child is born having no idea what emotions are and they slowly learn about them as their brains grow and develop. Children learn whether feelings are ok and normal experiences that pass or not ok and something to hide or suppress by how their closest people respond to their emotions.
How we as parents feel about big emotions is primarily dictated by how our own emotions were responded to when we were young. How our parents responded to our emotions was primarily dictated by how their parents responded to them when they were young, and so on and so forth.
The ability to manage emotions is one that we learn via ‘co-regulation’. Co-Regulation is often not something we remember consciously from our own childhoods, because this experience tends to be stored in the part of our memory that is hidden (procedural memory), we absorb it much like riding a bike, it becomes a way to respond to things without thinking.
While we may not always be aware of it, co-regulation leaves a lasting imprint on our emotional development, stored deep within our procedural memory. We absorb the rhythms of co-regulation through repeated exposure, internalizing the strategies and coping mechanisms modelled by our caregivers (whether they are helpful ones or not!). In the end, everyone has emotions, and they are often big and overwhelming, but with validation, support and problem solving, they pass. However if we fear them, If we try to hide them, then they can bubble and cause us more hurt and discomfort than they need to.
While big emotions can really shake up the household, they also present opportunities for growth and connection within the family. By fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding, families can create a supportive environment where emotions are acknowledged and validated. Through shared experiences of joy, sadness, anger, and love, families can deepen their bonds.
Although in theory we know that a child having a big feeling is a very normal and not a dangerous event, sometimes we can have strong reactions to it. Some people can react with frustration, anger, embarrassment or even sadness in response to their child’s big emotions.
Yes, this is complicated because often big emotions are linked to a big behaviour, but it our job to hold limits on behaviour, whilst also validating their big feelings. The validation of the feeling, whilst holding a behavioural boundary is what children need to feel held, safe and able to let the feeling pass.
We can have high expectations of our children’s ability to manage emotions, full of ‘should’s’ and ‘should not’s’ that ultimately do not help our children learn healthy ways of managing these emotions.
Sometimes we react this way because we are exhausted from a big day, because we are in public and embarrassed at public displays of emotion, because we might question our parenting abilities and sometimes we react this way because we worry, we have deep worries that this is not ok and that in fact our children ‘should’ be more able to control themselves than ‘this’.
Children’s ability to control their emotions will develop for the rest of their lives, there is no time in our lives where we cease to benefit from the comfort and validation of the people closest to us when confronted with big overwhelming feelings.
If we take ourselves back to being little, it can be interesting to reflect on the people you felt able to go to with your feelings and what was it about their approach that helped you, this can guide you in what you know deep down your child needs.
Some children’s temperaments and life situations means they develop these skills early and rarely need co-regulation, others take longer for many factors. Those factors can be temperament, stressful events, changes in family structures, trauma’s and having a mind that is more sensitive or reactive, which is common in neurodivergent children.
Though we may desperately want our children to be tough, to be strong and to have the skills to manage their emotions, to protect them from the world, trying to speed this process up with ‘tough love’ rarely works in creating true resilience, but may create the ability to suppress and hide big emotions from the people they love.
This doesn’t mean that we ‘over do’ this emotional support either, rather that we learn to meet the need just as it is, just enough but not more. When a child’s emotional needs are met, they are actually very quick to getting back to the business of being a busy, inquisitive child and truly developing resilience.
All of this may seem easy and common sense or it might seem triggering and untrue, depending on our own experiences. All of this is expected.
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